How to Be Kinder to Yourself

For most of my life, I didn't know how to be kind to myself. I knew how to push harder, criticise more, demand better. But kindness? That felt foreign. Weak, even.

When my therapist first suggested self-compassion during my recovery, I didn't understand what she meant. "Be nice to myself?" Is that possible?

I'm Rachel, founder of Give Yourself Kindness and a qualified meditation teacher. I'm not a psychologist, but my experience with Compassion-Focused Therapy taught me something I wish I'd known years earlier: being kind to yourself isn't about lowering your standards. It's about changing your approach to meeting them.

Since then, I've worked with leading clinical psychologists and self-compassion researchers to understand what self-kindness actually means—and how to practice it. Here's what they've taught me.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Bianca Nardini, who specializes in anxiety and self-criticism, explains that self-compassion involves three things:

• Wise understanding that you have a tricky brain that gets stuck in unhelpful thought loops—and importantly, this is not your fault
• Sensitivity to suffering—a willingness to turn toward rather than away from your distress
• Caring commitment to actually do something about that suffering

This isn't about being soft on yourself or making excuses. It's about recognizing that you're struggling—and responding the way you would to someone you care about who's going through the same thing.

As I explained in "Why Am I So Hard on Myself?", your brain's threat system makes you scan for problems and criticize mistakes. Being kinder to yourself means working with your brain's wiring, not against it.

When I first tried to be kinder to myself, everything in me resisted. I felt like I was giving up, letting myself off the hook, making excuses for being lazy.

I wasn't alone. Dr. Bianca Nardini asks her clients to imagine their inner critic completely disappears:

Most people fear that becoming self-compassionate means they'll "let themselves off the hook" or "make excuses" for their behavior. They worry this will lead to lowering their standards and failing as parents, workers, or partners.

Put simply: we've come to believe that self-criticism is what keeps us on track.

As I wrote about in "The Fears of Self-Compassion," clinical psychologist Dr. Chris Irons has identified 10 common fears, including:

• Fear of becoming lazy or unmotivated
• Fear of appearing weak
• Fear of losing the self-criticism that "helps"
• Fear of being selfish or self-indulgent

Understanding these fears are normal—and recognizing they're based on a misunderstanding—was the first step in my journey toward self-kindness.

Dr. Bianca Nardini uses a brilliant thought experiment that changed how I think about self-kindness:

The answer seems obvious when choosing for someone else. Yet many of us default to Coach #1's approach with ourselves.

This reframed everything for me. Being kind to myself wasn't about accepting less—it was about motivating myself more effectively.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Annabelle Kyle Dortch explains: "When we engage in self-criticism, we create a nervous system and brain state that is not conducive to learning or facilitating a growth-oriented mindset."

Self-kindness isn't weak. It's wise.

Here's what actually helped me learn self-kindness—and what clinical psychologists recommend:

1. Talk to Yourself Like a Supportive Friend

This is the foundation of everything. When you notice you're struggling, ask yourself: What would I say to a close friend going through this?

As I wrote in "How to Stop Negative Self-Talk," this technique helps you access the natural compassion you already have for others and direct it inward.

2. Notice When You're Being Harsh with Yourself

You can't be kinder to yourself if you don't notice when you're being harsh. Pay attention to your inner voice throughout the day.

Sometimes writing down what your inner critic says helps you see just how harsh you're being with yourself.

3. Allow Yourself to Be Imperfect

Being kind to yourself means accepting that being human involves struggle, mistakes, and imperfection.

Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion—not self-esteem based on achievement—is what builds lasting resilience and wellbeing.

4. Take Breaks Without Guilt

Self-kindness includes recognizing when you need rest and allowing yourself to take it without justifying or earning it.

One of my favorite affirmations from the cards I created is: "I don't need to earn rest to deserve it."

5. Use Self-Compassion Affirmations That Feel Real

As I learned when I asked five psychologists "Do affirmations work?"—generic positive affirmations often backfire. But personally meaningful affirmations based in self-compassion can help.

The Give Yourself Kindness affirmation cards include 60 affirmations specifically designed around self-compassion and emotional validation—messages that feel real, not empty.

6. Practice Daily Self-Compassion Journaling

One of the most powerful tools for learning self-kindness is consistent practice with prompts that guide you toward compassion.

After my experience with CFT, I searched for journaling tools to help me practice being kinder to myself daily. Everything I found was either too repetitive or pushed toxic positivity when I needed genuine support.

So I created prompts specifically designed to help you practice self-kindness. Prompts like:

• "What has challenged you today? Talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend—write down what you would say"
• "Notice how you are feeling right now. Think about what you would find it helpful to hear. Write down words to say to yourself"
• "Imagine you have thirty minutes to do something for you, to show yourself some of your own love and care. What would you do?"
• "Can you think of a time when you've struggled to feel proud of something you've achieved, but if it had happened to a friend you would have felt proud? Write down words of reassurance"

After using these prompts, clinical psychologists and CFT experts began recommending it—including Dr. Chris Germer from Harvard Medical School.

The Give Yourself Kindness journal offers 90 unique daily prompts (never repetitive), an emotional awareness tool on every page, and gentle reminders like "you are enough, exactly as you are" and "the way you speak to yourself matters."

It's undated, so you can return to it whenever you need without guilt. Many therapists use it with their clients specifically to practice self-kindness.

Learn More About the Journal →

7. Treat Your Body with Respect

Being kind to yourself includes how you treat your physical self.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Annabelle Kyle Dortch suggests: "Follow the affirmation with action. If you say 'My body deserves respect,' then buy clothes that fit and are comfortable to your current body."

8. Remember Everyone Struggles

Self-kindness includes recognizing that struggle, difficulty, and imperfection are part of being human—not signs that something is uniquely wrong with you.

The fear I hear most often—and the one I struggled with myself—is: "But won't being kind to myself make me lazy? Won't I stop trying?"

Research consistently shows that self-compassion leads to:

• Greater motivation to improve and try again after setbacks
• Higher resilience when facing challenges
• Better emotional wellbeing and lower anxiety/depression
• Stronger relationships because you're not constantly defensive
• More courage to take risks and try new things

As Dr. Chris Irons explains using the firefighter example: compassion requires strength and courage, not weakness.

I wish I could tell you that being kind to yourself becomes easy overnight. It doesn't.

You've likely spent years—maybe decades—being harsh with yourself. That pattern won't reverse immediately. Some days you'll catch yourself being self-critical and respond with kindness. Other days you won't notice until hours later. Both are okay.

As Professor Willem Kuyken from Oxford beautifully explains: "It takes time, like planting seeds and then taking care of them until they grow and mature in their own way and time."

Self-kindness is a practice, not a destination. Be patient with yourself as you learn—which is, itself, an act of self-kindness.

If self-criticism is significantly impacting your daily life—contributing to depression, severe anxiety, or affecting your relationships and ability to function—please reach out to a qualified therapist or counselor.

A therapist trained in Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC), or similar approaches can provide specialized support for developing self-kindness.

Self-compassion practices and journaling are powerful supportive tools, but they're not replacements for professional help when you need it.