written exclusively for Give Yourself Kindness by Deanna Solomon LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist in California using Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to support clients in cultivating self-compassion, building self-worth and emotional resilience, and creating value-aligned lives.
Self-compassion is not just making excuses
Self-compassion has become a widely recognized term in recent years, but it’s also one that’s often misunderstood. As a result, there are several common myths about self-compassion that prevent people from embracing its true benefits.
'self-compassion is a powerful practice that fosters personal growth, and resilience'
One of the most common myths is that self-compassion is merely an excuse for avoiding responsibility. In reality, it’s far from that—self-compassion is a powerful practice that fosters personal growth, and resilience.
Understanding self-compassion
I think it’s important to define what compassion is on its own in order to truly understand self-compassion.
Compassion comes from the Latin word, compati, which means to suffer with. So essentially part of being compassionate is the ability to notice and sit with difficult emotions within ourselves and others.
I personally like the definition of compassion that comes from Paul Gilbert’s Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) (i),
a sensitivity to suffering in self and others, with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.
Compassion requires mindfulness
Compassion requires mindfulness—the ability to notice what’s happening within us and around us.
In this context, it means recognizing suffering in yourself and others, being willing to sit with that pain, and having the courage to take action to alleviate it - specifically, wise action.
Think of it like this:
Imagine you see someone fall into a river and you feel the urge to help. If you don’t know how to swim, it would not be wise to jump into the river, even though your intentions are good. Instead, wise action might be calling for help or finding something on land you can throw to the person—something they can grab onto until help arrives.
So self-compassion involves knowing when and how to take thoughtful, supportive action that truly helps, whether it’s offering comfort, seeking guidance, or simply allowing yourself the space to heal.
'self-compassion involves knowing when and how to take thoughtful, supportive action'
It’s not just about intention, but about responding with wisdom and care.
The myth: self-compassion = making excuses
So back to the common myth – this idea that self-compassion is making excuses. Many people believe that if you are kind to yourself when you make mistakes or fall short, you’re letting yourself off the hook or failing to hold yourself accountable.
'self-compassion does not only involve kindness'
The first issue here is that self-compassion does not only involve kindness. Yes, kindness is part of it but it isn’t the entire picture. As described above, self-compassion actually requires courage, strength, and wisdom – all of which are not in line with the idea of making excuses for oneself.
The myth equates self-compassion with complacency and avoidance, when in reality, self-compassion requires taking action – so the complete opposite!
'self-compassion requires taking action'
Let’s imagine you’re a student and you fail a test. You could very well begin criticizing yourself saying things like “I’m so stupid,” or “what is wrong with me, how could I let this happen,” or “I’m such a failure.”
The challenge is that many people feel that criticisms such as these serve as a motivator. The expression of “tough love” illustrates this concept – it’s the idea that if you are hard on yourself it will motivate you to do better. It is this kind of thinking that perpetuates the myth that self-compassion is making excuses and being complacent.
Self-compassion is a far better motivator than self-criticism
Self-criticism may work to motivate you but at what cost?
Realistically, continuing down the path of “tough love” can lead to burnout, poor self-esteem, and low self-confidence.
Think about it – what emotions do you experience when you criticize yourself? I would imagine some combination of sadness, anger, shame, or guilt.
'It's about being supportive of yourself, not enabling poor behavior or excuses'
Self-compassion involves acknowledging your mistakes or shortcomings with understanding and care, rather than with harsh self-criticism. It’s about being supportive of yourself, not enabling poor behavior or excuses.
So how would self-compassion look when you failed that test? Well, you would first acknowledge and validate the emotions you were experiencing.
“It makes sense that I feel sad and frustrated that I failed this exam because my education is important to me and I really want to pass this class”
Then you could identify what you learned from the experience and what you can do differently in the future.
“I know I didn’t study much for this exam because I was prioritizing other things in my life. Next time, I’ll make sure to set aside dedicated study time and see if one of my friends from class will join me so we can hold each other accountable.”
Lastly, you can acknowledge your common humanity, and provide yourself with kindness and encouragement
“I know I’m not the only one who has failed an exam. It happens, and this doesn’t define my entire academic experience. I know I’m capable of doing better. I’m doing well in my other classes.”
In contrast, making excuses for yourself might sound like
“This class is just too hard it’s the professors fault that I failed”
Doesn’t sound at all like self-compassion right?
Self-compassion versus making excuses
To really clarify the difference between the two let’s look at some definitions:
- Self-compassion involves taking responsibility, learning from mistakes, and treating yourself with kindness and understanding. It fosters growth, emotional resilience, and long-term success.
- Making excuses involves deflecting responsibility, blaming others or external factors, and avoiding the hard work of learning and improving. It can lead to stagnation, frustration, and a lack of accountability.
When we practice self-compassion, we acknowledge our mistakes without judgment.
'failure is part of being human and does not define your worth'
It involves being kind to ourselves, and offering ourselves emotional support. It’s about understanding that failure is part of being human and does not define your worth. This is common humanity.
Example: After making a mistake at work, you might think, “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes. I’ll learn from this and do better next time.”
On the other hand, making excuses often looks like deflecting responsibility and justifying why things went wrong, typically without taking any accountability. It can be a way to avoid facing uncomfortable feelings of guilt or shame, and it tends to center around external factors or circumstances rather than personal growth.
Example: After you make a mistake at work, you might think, “It’s not my fault. The requests were unclear and management didn’t try to help me.”
Self-compassion encourages growth as it allows you to view mistakes as opportunities for growth. Making excuses hinders growth because it keeps you from acknowledging the true cause of your mistakes.
Self-compassion is a tool for growth
Hopefully it is clear now that self-compassion is far from being an excuse for complacency or avoidance of responsibility. It’s quite the opposite – it is a powerful tool for growth and resilience.
By practicing self-compassion, we acknowledge our mistakes with understanding and kindness, which allows us to learn from them and take constructive action moving forward.
'empower ourselves to improve, learn, and thrive'
Unlike making excuses, which deflects responsibility and hinders personal development, self-compassion encourages accountability and promotes emotional well-being.
When we embrace self-compassion, we not only treat ourselves with care but also empower ourselves to improve, learn, and thrive, ultimately fostering a healthier and more productive relationship with ourselves.

Deanna Solomon LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist in California. In her clinical work she uses Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to support clients in cultivating self-compassion, building self-worth and emotional resilience, and creating value-aligned lives. Outside of providing individual therapy she offers psychoeducational resources on these topics through her Substack newsletter – Cultivating You.
https://www.compassionategroundscounseling.com/ https://compassionategrounds.substack.com/
(i) Gilbert, P., & Simons, G. (Eds.). (2022). Compassion focused therapy: Clinical practice and applications. Routledge.