written exclusively for Give Yourself Kindness by Margaret Davis, MS, LPC a therapist who specializes in anxiety, relationships, self-esteem, and identity exploration. She is passionate about helping people cultivate self-compassion and be kinder to themselves.
What self-love truly means
To start off - this is my opinion and my view of what “self-love” means. I think there are various definitions out there, and different ways of viewing it… which is totally okay, and honestly pretty beautiful. So, if my perspective doesn’t resonate with you, that is 100% alright. Take what feels aligned, and leave what doesn’t.
Think about the “love” you may have for someone else
Sometimes it can be easier to understand self-love by thinking about the “love” you may have for someone else. Say it’s your partner, your child, a friend, a family member, or even your pet. Think about the energy that you have toward them, the way you admire them, the way you take care of them, the way you show up for them and show appreciation toward them… self-love is giving all of that same stuff - right back to yourself.
What self-love is not
Self-love is not always rainbows and butterflies. It’s about showing up for yourself, even when you fuck up, or shit gets messy, or it feels like you’re taking steps back.
'We are going to have moments or days where we don’t totally love ourselves, or even like ourselves.'
Self-love also does not mean being completely in love with yourself 24/7, and absolutely loving everything about who you are. We are human. We are going to have moments or days where we don’t totally love ourselves, or even like ourselves.
Self-love is...
Meeting yourself with kindness and compassion, as often as you can.
Actively choosing to take care of your own well-being.
Recognizing that you are human and you will mess up.
Checking in with your needs, and making a choice to honor those needs.
5 ways to practice self-love
Self-love can look different for everyone. I personally believe that we are practicing self-love every single day, we may just not always notice it!
Here are 5 ways you can practice self-love:
1. Taking a mental health day off of work
If you have a fever, or a cold, or you’re recovering from a surgery… you will likely take time off of work. Just as we take time off for physical reasons, we are allowed to take time off for mental reasons.
Whether you spend the whole day crying, you go to therapy, you clean your home, or you lay in bed resting and watching movies - your brain and your heart deserve care too.
2. Telling yourself it’s okay to feel that emotion you are feeling
When an emotion comes up for you, validate that for yourself. Rather than telling yourself you’re overreacting, or being dramatic, or being sensitive… allow yourself to feel that sadness, or fear, or frustration, or loneliness. Your emotions are valid and beautiful and human.
3. Listening to your body when you need to rest and/or movement
Our body is consistently sending us information, and it’s an act of self-love to listen to that information.
Whether your body is craving rest and sleep, or maybe some movement/exercise, or you might be hungry, thirsty, etc. - honor what it’s telling you and do your best to give your body what it needs.
4. Creating a life that YOU want and that feels authentic to you, regardless of what others think
One of the biggest acts of self-love is to take steps toward creating the life that feels aligned for you. The career you want, where you want to live, the lifestyle you want to have, what you value, etc.
Instead of focusing on what you “should” be doing, or what others want you to do, or what others may think of you - listen to what feels right for you and follow that. That’s self-love.
5. Making a choice for yourself that feels tough right now, but you know will help you heal in the long run
Self-love will not always feel “good” in the moment. Sometimes self-love means you make a difficult choice that hurts in the moment, but you know it will be healing for you in the future.
For example: ending a relationship or a friendship, leaving a job, moving somewhere new, saying no to plans, choosing your needs over someone else’s, etc.
'you are already practicing self-love throughout your day'
There are truly thousands of ways you can practice self-love. And I have zero doubts that you are already practicing self-love throughout your day… drinking water, making sure you eat breakfast or lunch, moving your body, watching a comfort movie, taking a nap, leaving work early, grabbing lunch with a friend, etc. It doesn’t have to be complicated or take up a ton of your time!
Self-love is a practice - it doesn’t have to look perfect
In conclusion, self-love is a practice. We don’t have to be perfect at it, and we will not be perfect at it. Self-love will ebb and flow, and that is okay.
'Self-love will ebb and flow, and that is okay'
The important thing is that we check-in with ourselves, and make a choice to take care of our physical, mental, and emotional well-being when we have the capacity to do so.
Margaret Davis, MS, LPC is a therapist located in northern Colorado. She specializes in anxiety, relationships/dating/break-ups, self-esteem, and identity exploration. She works with adults 18+, college & graduate students, and the LGBTQ+ community. When she’s not working with clients, you can find her at the gym, relaxing at home with her cat, seeing live music, or spending time by a river.
