written by Willem Kuyken, PhD, DClinPsy, the Ritblat Professor of Mindfulness and Psychological Science at the University of Oxford, United Kingdom. His work focuses on preventing depression, promoting mental health, and flourishing across the lifespan. He has published more than 150 journal articles and is listed by Web of Science as in the top 1% of the most cited scientists in the world.
Befriending your mind
Friends can come and go, but our minds are with us throughout our lives. That’s a very good reason to befriend and take good care of your mind.
It’s also very helpful to become familiar with the six other attitudinal qualities that make your mind a good lifelong friend: patience, letting go, courage, trust, effort, and equanimity.
Patience
Impatience is understandable. We want what we want, now. We want what we don’t want to go away, now. But being in a rush takes us out of this moment because we’re trying to get somewhere else. An attitude of patience allows things to unfold in their own time.
'An attitude of patience allows things to unfold in their own time.'
Sophia:
When my son was a young adult, he made what I regarded as some bad choices. I remember at one point he was besotted with this girl, and I was sure she was bad news.
I wanted to do everything I could to help him see what I could see. If I am honest, I wanted to break up the relationship.
So, I used the befriending practice, bringing his and my suffering to mind and trying to create a sense of good will and care, for him and for me. It dawned on me that she wasn’t “bad news,” but more of a “troubled soul.” This helped me see that I had to step back, do nothing, be kind, and then be patient while everything ran its natural course.
It took a year, and while it wasn’t easy, by stepping back and being patient, I was able to see my tendency to want to fix everything. You can take the Sophia out of teaching, but you can’t take the teacher out of Sophia!
Patience works at different levels
At the most immediate and everyday level, you must be patient, waiting for the kettle to boil, someone to respond to an online inquiry, or for the traffic congestion to clear.
At a deeper level, there are many parts of your life that take time—developing trust in a relationship, learning a new skill, and so on.
Then at another level yet, much of what you really value takes patience because it takes time to evolve and develop: the development of deep love, real expertise, aging gracefully.
'Patience makes it possible to enjoy tending the garden and in time enjoying the fruits of your work'
In each of these areas, again, it’s like gardening. You do the work of sowing seeds, tending the plants, but then step back and let them grow in their own time and way. Patience makes it possible to enjoy tending the garden and in time enjoying the fruits of your work—greater focus, perspective, and the ability to speak and act wisely.
This is an excerpt from Mindfulness for Life by Willem Kuyken, PhD, DClinPsy (Guilford Press) approved exclusively to be shared on Give Yourself Kindness.
Willem Kuyken, PhD, DClinPsy, is the Ritblat Professor of Mindfulness and Psychological Science at the University of Oxford, United Kingdom. His work focuses on preventing depression, promoting mental health, and flourishing across the lifespan. He has published more than 150 journal articles and is listed by Web of Science as in the top 1% of the most cited scientists in the world.
His new book, Mindfulness for Life, was published by Guilford Press in September 2024. It is a practical guide to help people improve well-being, enjoy life more fully, handle life's challenges better, and live aligned with personal values. It accompanies his earlier book with Christina Feldman, Mindfulness – Ancient Wisdom Meets Modern Psychology, published in 2019.
His work has been featured in the New York Times, Oprah Daily, New Scientist, Nature, Scientific American, Times Educational Supplement, the BBC, CBS, New Statesman, Le Monde, der Zeit, the Telegraph, and the Guardian.
